2019 I attended the first module of the ORSC™ series*. The book „The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work“ was recommended as an introduction. The book is based on decades of work with couples and data analysis. J. Gottman claims to have a 91% probability of predicting whether a couple will stay together or break up. Four observable factors have been isolated that enable this classification of relationship status.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse
as they are called in the book – have the power to slowly but surely destroy a relationship. They are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Criticism becomes a problem when it becomes a regular occurrence without being dealt with. It paves the way for the far more dangerous riders. Contempt comes as sarcasm, eye-rolling and much more. This makes it impossible for the other person to engage in problem solving and creates further conflict. Defensiveness is actually a way of blaming the other. The statement here is that I am not the problem, you are. This intensifies the conflict many times over. Stonewalling often only appears after some time. People use it to protect themselves from the feeling of being psychologically and physically flooded. If this feeling occurs regularly, it inevitably leads to inner distancing and thus to divorce.
The authors name 7 principles that emotionally intelligent people observe and intuitively do right in their relationships – which have been proven to lead to longer and more stable relationships.
– They know the other person very well and have internalised this knowledge. They can read their relationship map. This is especially important when external factors strongly change the previous reality of life.
– Even in difficult situations, they remind themselves of the qualities of the other person. In this way, they strengthen their affection and recognition.
– They know how to establish a connection. It is not the big gestures, but rather hundreds of small interactions that strengthen the relationship.
– They are able to value other views and express this. This makes relationships grow. Only about 35% of men have this ability.
– They address sensitive issues in such a way that their partner has the opportunity to react constructively. Treat others as you want to be treated, be lived.
– They do not allow deadlocked situations. They always work to resolve conflicts.
– They formed a micro-culture with their partner. Their rituals, myths create a framework that tells you who they are and what it means to be part of the team. They developed shared perceptions.
The conclusion of the book seems simple: the key to a happy relationship is to be more attuned to each other, to make friendship the top priority. Friendship and trust are the cement of any relationship. Creating this and keeping it alive does not happen by itself. The final advice sounds familiar: we should invest more time, attention and care in our relationships.
While reading the book, my observations of work relationships came to mind. Perhaps the most significant difference between private and work contexts is that in the vast majority of cases, work and team colleagues do not choose each other. Especially in transitions, I observe the amplification of the effects of these apocalyptic riders.
For me it is clear that high demands on teams can only be realised if they are given time and support to strengthen their relationship with each other. Especially Scrum Masters and similar roles – best filled with emotionally intelligent people – should always be aware of this.
The book itself gives many more useful examples, tips, tricks and exercises. My conclusion: Worth reading!
Gottmann; Silver: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Orion Spring 2018
*Organisation and Relationship Systems Coaching
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