In 2021 I attended the first module of Organizational Relationship Systems @work. Upfront the following reading was recommended: Gottmann, Silver: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

The book is based on decades of work with couples and data analysis. According to his own statement, the author is now able to predict with a very high probability (91%) whether a couple will stay together or separate after briefly observing their interaction.
The data allowed him to isolate four observable factors that allow classification of relationship status. He calls them: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four have the power to slowly but surely destroy a relationship. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and walls.

Criticism is generally ok. In agile contexts, we can even use them profitably for a continuous improvement process. Criticism becomes a problem when it becomes a regular occurrence without being addressed. This first rider prepares the way for the other, far more dangerous riders.
Contempt – the second rider – comes as sarcasm, eye rolling, and more. Contempt makes it impossible for the other person to engage in problem solving. It will only create more conflict.
Defensiveness is actually a way of blaming the other person. The message of the third rider is: I’m not the problem, you are. It increases the conflict many times over.
Stonewalling – the fourth rider – often only appears after some time. People use this to protect themselves from the feeling of being psychologically and physically “flooded”. If this feeling occurs regularly, it inevitably leads to inner distancing and thus to divorce. In a metaphorical sense in the world of work, this means the employee’s internal resignation.

The author names 7 principles that emotionally intelligent people – most of whom have been proven to have longer and more stable relationships – do observably and intuitively in their relationships:
1. Be able to read the relationship map. Partners know each other very well and have internalized knowledge about their partner. This is particularly important when external factors significantly change the current reality of life. In the world of work, for example, these are complex situations in which agile approaches are applied.
2. Promote affection and recognition. They remind themselves of the qualities of others, even in difficult situations. A quality that employees of companies that are under extreme market pressure, for example, can often no longer provide.
3. Turning to each other. Couples and teams who understand how to create connections work better. It’s not the big gestures or work conversations, but rather hundreds of small interactions that strengthen the relationship. A pat on the back, a smiley post-it note on the computer, listening with an understanding nod. It’s so simple, we should all pay more attention!
4. Allow yourself to be influenced by others. Emotional intelligence is generally attributed more to women. Only 35% of men have this ability. This is about the ability to appreciate your partner or team member and the ability to express this. To grow relationships, you must be able to value other perspectives and share the driver’s seat.
5. Good manners – treat others the way you would like to be treated. This often becomes clearest when addressing sensitive topics. The soft approach goes in the direction of non-violent communication (Rosenberg, 1972). In contrast to confrontational approaches, it gives the relationship partner the opportunity to react constructively.
6. Don’t allow deadlock situations. Arguments heard 1000 times, no humor or compassion in the speech, viewpoints polarize more and more, giving in now hurts everything you believe in. This is how you recognize deadlocked situations. The best way to deal with them is to avoid them. The first 5 principles help here a lot. When it does happen, it’s often about unspoken dreams and desires. These are often not obvious and have to be worked out. Recognizing each other and taking them into account when finding solutions – mutual respect – that’s what it’s all about.
7. Working out shared opinions. Couples and teams can form a micro-culture. They have rituals (for example the shared espresso after the retro), myths (the story when XY happened). A framework that tells you who you are and what it means to be part of the team. A network of all individual parts that is flexible enough to change as the team members mature personally.

The key to a happy relationship and better teams is to coordinate better with each other to make friendship the top priority (North Star). Friendship and trust are the glue of every relationship. Creating this and keeping it alive does not happen by itself. We need to invest time, care and attention in our relationships. When reading the book, I always compared the couple relationships described with work relationships between, for example, two individuals or within teams. I noticed that perhaps the most significant difference between couples and teams is that in the vast majority of cases, work partners and teammates did not choose each other. What this means to me is that if we have high demands on teams, like becoming a high performing team – we need to give them time and support to strengthen their relationships with each other.
We are all constantly in relationship with others and we cannot – as Paul Watzlawick postulates in his axioms in „Human Communication“: „(…) not not communicate.“ In particular, Scrum Master and similar roles – ideally filled with emotionally intelligent people – should always be aware of this. Your job is to bring this knowledge into your organization and make it usable.

The book itself gives many useful examples, tips, tricks and exercises. My conclusion: Very worth reading!

This review first appeared in it-agile’s in-house magazine, the agile review
Foto: HBO